thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
