Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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