i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
