i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
