If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
