yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
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she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
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I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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