filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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