I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
