Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize