I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You had me at "let me see your balls"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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