the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
