I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize