The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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