my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
