It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
