just tell him i said nine months
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
