I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
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Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
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Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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