I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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