a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
