it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We talked him into tasing himself.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
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