i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
