FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
