It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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