So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
