woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
