I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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