Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
