Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
