So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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