who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
