I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
