My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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