i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
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HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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