I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
