Your face is a jimmy john
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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