i jhust puked up my retainher.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
