i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
