Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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