so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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