he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
