Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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