shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
