Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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