Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
