you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
