He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
