My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
