My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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