carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
