Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
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They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
How naked do you want me to be?
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