i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
