That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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