So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.